Jock Stewart’s Holiday Book Buying Guide
Since many of them (the authors) have bailed me out of jail for various misunderstandings with the local police force, I’m writing this column about local authors’ books that are gathering dust at the Main Street Book Emporium. These are books by people you’ve never heard of, but they’ve put their hearts and souls into these volumes and, what the hell, they (the books) are cheaper than a Happy Meal and make more nutritious stocking stuffers on Christmas Day.
- Lust Behind a Motel 6 Billboard on Route 2, by Cane Molasses – a cautionary tale about a young man who lived behind a faded billboard on the road to Prairie View. When it rained, Zeke got wet. When the sun came out, Zeke got warm. When a bus of wayward cheerleaders broke down, Zeek got lucky until he had to start running from the linemen of the county.
- Rats in the Birdbath, by T.Z. – Local rapper T.Z. turns his talents for profanity to fiction in this gritty story about a man who discovered that the rats in the birdbath tasted better than the sparrows. This is a dark urban fantasy that should be read primarily by people who believe the end of the world came and went already and that nobody noticed.
- My Dustbunnies Don’t Eat Your Carrots, by Sally Hyde – A young man, who thoughtlessly ran out on his upscale family, is accused of murdering his mother-in-law because she purportedly made fun of the dust bunnies in his apartment. Hyde, who claims in the introduction that she was the mother-in-law who was murdered, says it took her years of communicating with wackos with Oui-Ja boards to get the truth into print.
- Coffee Tables Without Books, by Lucille Smith-Whitson – A specialist in old furniture shows discouraging evidence that most coffee tables collapse sooner or later under the weight of expensive “coffee table books” that people never read. “People put books like ‘Bombay Harlots’ and ‘The Glaciers of Saudi Arabia’ on their coffee tables to impress their friends. Yet, the dust on those books tips off visitors to the fact the host never cracked the cover,” writes Smith-Whitson. The result: the books pile up even after the cows come home and crack the table tops.
- Write this Damn Book Yourself, by Clark Trail – Trail, who believes too many wackos are writing books these days and uploading them to Kindle and CreateSpace, has published a book with multiple cover-art inserts for desperate people who just can’t seem to get published in spite of the fact their writing looks like a theme out of a remedial English class. The secret: blank pages. Clark suggests non-writers pick the most exciting cover art, fill in the blank pages, and display the books on their coffee tables.
- The Shooting of Dan McGrew’s Brother, by Joe Smith – At a press conference Smith claimed that even though this book appears to be a ripoff of the famous poem by Robert Service, he (Smith) thought the whole thing up last year when he and a bunch of the boys were whooping it up in the Malamute saloon.
- 51 Shades of Purple, by Bambi Hill – This tell-little book by a young woman who claims to have slept with many of the world’s still-living monarchs, shows that most of the kings were drunk or bored when the one-night-lie-downs occurred at a Motel 6 on Route 2. “Kings are not as powerful as you think,” Hill gushes in the introduction.
- How to Repair Your Betamax, by Clyde Clinton – After discovering most Radio Shacks and other geeky stores no longer have Betamax repairmen, Clinton uses his own collection of vintage units do demonstrate everything that can possibly go wrong with them. He says that while he has sold only one copy to a Betamax museum, he hopes the thing will one day “go viral.”
- Emily Dickinson: The Biker Babe Years, by Norma “Harley Girl” Johnson – Johnson re-imagines the life of the famous poet as a “hot momma taking names and kicking asses vixen who rides with a group of hell raisers called The Cardboard Monkeys.” Johnson pushes the envelope in this novel, especially in the chapter called “Going Down On the Road.”
- The Homogenization of the American Family, by Robert Elderberry and James S. Mason – According to Elderberry and Mason, new research charting the DNA of 99% of America’s families, shows that “more children that previously known” were fathered by milkmen who were supposed to be delivering milk rather than babies.” Elderberry told reporters at a Main Street Book Emporium launch party that he got most of the data by hacking into the NSA’s secret database of real and imagined ancestors.
Give the gift of books. Your friends will never forget you for filling up the blank space on their coffee tables because who the hell drinks coffee in the living room these days?