by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter
Junction City, December 12, 2010–In a post-dawn raid of wild leek farmer Giles Asinine’s onion-domed mansion on Lady of Shallot Terrace here today, police found thousands of recipe cards stolen from the files of Gluttony Magazine and area restaurants including the Purple Platter and Kentucky Fried Scallions.
While charges have yet to be filed, police department spokesmen claim the recipe cache is the pièce de résistance within the Asinine-founded non-profit Wicked Leeks Publishing empire. In past years, Wicked Leeks has garnered a controversial reputation for publishing recipes stolen from magazines, restaurants and farm families as a “public service.”
“Junction City became a better town,” Asinine said in a 2009 news release, “when we learned Kentucky Fried Scallions ‘secret recipe’ claim was the work of mad chefs who were covering up the fact the restaurant was actually frying shallots.”
The first layer of the Wicked Leeks organization was peeled away when the Purple Platter Restaurant sued Asinine in state court earlier this year for stealing and disseminating the recipe for its famed cock-a-leekie soup. While news reports at the time focused on the difficulty of jury selection in a town where 98.6% of the residents think cock-a-leekie is British slang for using a restroom, the restaurant successfully proved some $100,000 in damages once its famed soup du jour was “put in cans across the state.”
“Prior to the Wicked Leeks disclosure, nobody knew we put prunes in the brew,” said master chef Coral Snake Smith. “Fortunately, none of our sous chefs leaked our more-famous meatloaf recipe to any Asinine stool pigeons.”
Spokesmen for Junction City’s Gluttony Magazine said that the publication is on the cusp of bankruptcy because Wicked Leeks gives away for free what the magazine is selling.
“Our June issue featured recipes for chicken-leek casserole, fettuccine with leek sauce and leek quiche,” said vegetable editor Sue Jones. “We sold only one copy of the issue because everyone else in town surfed out to the Wicked Leeks site and got the recipes for free a month before we reached the newsstand.”
Informed sources say that Jones’ fine-tuned palate provided the foundation for her expert testimony in Platter v. Wicked Leaks that showed that “Giles’ Take-a-Leak Soup” was exactly the same formulation as “Coral Snake Smith’s Cock-a-Leekie Soup.”
“Jones is no spring onion,” said Smith. “She’s eaten so much food in her lifetime that nobody can sneak a recipe past her from soup to nuts.”
While giving due credit to Jones, Mayor Clark Trail claims that last summer’s expansion of the police department’s vice squad unit allowed it to cut the leeks off at the blender before they were pureed into a “free-for-all Internet Vichyssoise.”
“Our city council saw the wisdom of enlarging the focus of our vice quad from the more enjoyable vices of gambling and prostitution to include the more trivial moral faults of tattling and publishing stolen goods,” Trail said. “Righting a wrong with a wrong, shouldn’t be right.”
Coming December 17th: Purple Platter Meatloaf
Vanilla Heart Publishing’s authors will post recipes from their novels this coming Friday. Tune in here for the meatloaf recipe the Wicked Leeks site never found. Then follow the links to other great posts and recipes.
For more Jock Stewart, you are invited to partake of Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire, available on Kindle for less than the cost of a dinner out on the town.