Langley, Virginia, October 16, 2017, Star-Gazer News Service–CIA officials announced this morning the “unqualified success” of Operation Ladder Purge, an eight-month effort to round-up and detain Mexican ladders that pose a threat to the proposed border wall.
“We’ve known for some time that a $10000000000 wall can easily be defeated by professional coyotajes and polleros and other people smugglers with a garage full of two-peso ladders,” said Deputy Director of Wall-Scaling Technology, Robert Hook. “Build a 10 foot wall, you’ll see an 11-foot ladder; build a 15 foot wall, you’ll see a 16 foot ladder.”
Spokesmen say that to date, Operation Ladder Purge has stolen, confiscated, destroyed, or otherwise neutralized 79.8% of all Mexican ladders. The operation began when it became clear that U.S. muscle could not convince the Mexican government to outlaw the manufacture or importation of ladders.
One Mexican law maker who prefers to remain anonymous, said, “It was our feeling that such legislation would drive painters, carpenters, and fire departments out of business because honest people would then be without ladders while criminals had easy access to black market ladders imported from rogue states like North Korea.”
According to CIA studies, people smugglers say to clients, “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall, that swells tunnels in the ground under it, and spews the upper bricks with ladders reaching for the sun.”
“We’re fighting that mentality and fighting it hard,” Hook said. “On the humanitarian side, top brass learned that the suffering people of Puerto Rico cannot pull themselves up by their bootstraps because they don’t have any boots. So we sent them the ladders we collected in Mexico as part of our Up The Ladder For Success Program.”
CIA station agents say that so far children’s step ladders are not being targeted.
According to informed sources, Americans supporting the building of a border wall may have a false sense of security once that edifice is completed if Mexican ladders aren’t neutralized.
Rumors that “sanctuary state” California is sending free ladder kits to Mexico disguised as children’s toys are currently being investigated.
—Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter