Tag Archives: satire

Used eagle eyes available for cataract surgery

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Rome, Ga, August 22, 2016, Star-Gazer News Service–When author Malcolm R. Campbell scheduled cataract surgery this week for his left eye, he learned that he will be the first man in his town to receive a used golden eagle eye instead of an artificial lens (called an intraocular lens, or IOL).

Wikipedia photo

Wikipedia photo

Ophthalmologists report that eagles have five times the number of light receptor cells in their eyes as humans, so it was “just a matter of time” before humans were offered a chance to upgrade.

“So far, the service is only available for those undergoing cataract surgery,” said Waterfall Jones, head of the Eagle Eye Research Center of the Department of the Interior. “In time, all humans will be given the option of receiving eagle eyes at birth if not sooner.”

Campbell, who is a long-time member of such groups as the Sierra Club and the National Wildlife Federation expressed reservations about the used golden eagle eyes due to the fuzzy nature of the “used” concept.

“It’s not like golden eagles upgrade their own eyes and offer their older eyes at a used eye lot for resale,” Campbell said. “However, I learned that the eyes come only from golden eagles with organ donor cards.”

“Eagle whisperers working in the national parks have had a continuous dialogue with the birds for fifty years, finally winning their trust along with signed consent forms for the donation of eyes,” said Jones.

According to spokesmen who have elected to remain anonymous to avoid bad publicity claim that Campbell will not only be able to see a reader turning the pages of a book from a mile away, he will also be able to fine tune his books into best sellers, especially in areas frequented by golden eagles.

“Within a few years, we’ll be able to create golden eagle eyes in the laboratory,” Jones said. “This will create an unlimited supply even though the eyes will be hideously expensive and will not be covered by Medicare or private insurance. People will have to ask themselves just how much it’s worth to be able to say ‘On a clear day I can see forever.'”

“I won’t have the night vision of an owl,” said Campbell, “but then I can buy lamps and flashlights at Home Depot and owls can’t.”

Story by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

 

New Presidential Candidate to out-trump Trump

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Junction City, TX – Star-Gazer News Service – Local author Caine Molasses, whose recent bestseller Grits on the Half Shell has been banned from schools across the country, announced his candidacy for the Presidency today from an Albino County jail where he’s serving time for skipping 25 straight alimony payments to his former wife Sue “Sugar Beet” Hawkins who, with her sister Sadie, runs a dance studio on the other side of the tracks.

Sweeter than Grandma

Sweeter than Grandma

Warden Bill Smith, who introduced Molasses to the prison exercise yard news conference, said that since the author had been a model prisoner, he would make a wonderful President.

“My campaign is a blend of the worst ideas from this year’s crop of Presidential wannabees simply because those ideas get the most publicity,” Molasses said.

His campaign manager Bugsy Baker, formerly of Chicago, said “even the dead will want to vote early and often for this man.

According to his campaign literature, Molasses will promote the following:

  • Carve up all the nation’s great banks into the chaos of tiny inefficient banks they used to be prior to all the mergers. Inefficiency means more jobs and more jobs mean more prosperity.
  • Build a Berlin-style wall along the border with Mexico at Mexico’s expense, complete with machine guns and a “Checkpoint Carlos.” Strengthen the war on drugs by sentencing users to do their time south of the wall until America is so drug free, the cartels will go out of business. We’ll be crime free by 2023.
  • Promote the concealment of all e-mails, letters, diplomatic packets, phone calls and texts from the American public who really have no business spying on their own government during sensitive negotiations with rogue governments, unruly Senators and Representatives, or rich people who are willing to kick in a few bucks for better government considerations.
  • Unleash Wall Street so that it can truly become the Las Vegas of the east. Let them do what they do best under an investor beware philosophy. Don’t get in the game if you can’t afford to lose your shirt.
  • There are a lot of countries out there who only respect force. Force is good for our military industrial complex because it means jobs for the common man and woman who screw bolts on new tanks and it means a larger military which means jobs for people who would otherwise be in jail or on the county or hoping Uncle Sam will pay their college tuition. We need an invasion every year or so to stay on top of our game.

Molasses, who has been married fifteen times, says “my love life is evidence I can sweet-talk anybody into my bed. That’s the first duty of a great President.”

Baker told reporters that he knew Molasses fight to get noticed would be an uphill battle since the major candidates are saying so many outlandish things, “they already have CNN or FOX news in bed with them.”

“When elected President,” said Molasses, “I’ll guarantee that every man, woman and child will receive the minimum daily requirement of Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Manganese, Phosphorus, Potassium, Sodium, Zinc along with 14.74 g of carbs and 1.213 kcal of energy from the department of agriculture. After all, that’s what I’m made of.”

JockTalksPoliticsStory filed by Jock Stewart, Special Investigative Reporter

 

No, doc, I don’t want Bette Davis eyes

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A year ago, my optometrist said, “you’re going to need to do something about the cataract in your right eye.”

Thinking he meant, a waterfall, I said I hadn’t been dripping water, tears-wise or otherwise.

eyeHe informed me that I was going to have trouble seeing within the year.

Noticing that I was driving blind more often than not, I went to an eye doctor a week ago and he said, “Holy crap, man, you’re still looking at the world with eyes made during World War II when factories slapped out millions of eyes per second without a lot of paperwork for the war effort.”

He surfed out to Wikipedia where he gets most of his medical information and showed me an eye diagram. “When you were born, we didn’t know about half this stuff, so your eyes not only aren’t compatible with Windows 10, you’re missing a lot of the world’s important developments such as texting and more nudity.”

He got out a catalogue published by the American Academy of Ophthalmology called “Fabulous Eyes.” It contained a list of the replacement eyes available for those of us about to undergo cataract surgery.

bettedavis“There’s been a run on Bernie Sanders eyes lately, and that means a waiting list. Since you’re a writer, maybe you’ll want something exotic like Bette Davis eyes.”

“I remember the song,” I said.

“According to the song, with these eyes you’ll either know how to make a ‘crow blush’ or a ‘pro blush’ depending on which recorded version of the song you like.”

I informed him that Bette Davis’ eyes were older than the ones I was currently using and probably had fewer working parts.

As it turns out, there are more eyes out there than you can poke out while running with scissors. Since they (the eyes) are purportedly windows of the soul, I didn’t want to make a flippant choice. Truth be told, I’ve gotten used to the way I’ve always seen things even though I’m seeing less other them.

In “My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut,” Toba Beta wrote,  “Eyes shows lies.” That ruled out a lot of eye models, especially those from celebrities, political candidates and serial killers.

Muir-Einstein-Newman Eyes, Model

Muir-Einstein-Newman Eyes, Model “MENJ38-25774.”

Finally, it appeared that I was best suited for a combination eye, one with the attributes of John Muir, Albert Einstein and a dash of Paul Newman. “Eyes don’t make you smart,” the doc cautioned, saying that I shouldn’t expect to be rich and famous with rich and famous eyes looking out at the world.

“With the MENJ38-25774 eyes, you might go into the salad dressing business or be able to shoot a good game of pool.”

“More likely,” I said, seeing through my glasses darkly, “I’ll turn into Brick Pollitt and say, ‘I’m ashamed, Big Daddy. That’s why I’m a drunk. When I’m drunk, I can stand myself.'”

“That can happen,” he said. “My assistant here thinks she’s Helen of Troy and wants go go into the ship launching business.”

Frankly, I thought his assistant looked more like Bette Davis.

–Malcolm

New Jock front CVR full sizeMalcolm R. Campbell is the author of “Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire,” a satire similar to this post in that it has characters who are likely to say anything (and often do).

AudioFile Review of ‘Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire’

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SOFaudibleI had a good time writing my comedy/satire about an old-time reporter caught in the modern age of journalism. It was even more fun listening to the audio version of the book because the narration worked so well.

Amazon readers “got” the book, seeing it as just as wild and crazy as it really is…

…as in Elise’s comment: “Plenty of memorable characters reside in Jock’s home town, like a perpetually doughnut-eating cop by the name of Kruller. Those kind of little word plays and the intentional use of old clichés will make you laugh out loud. Jock projects himself as a hard core kind of guy, but deep down he’s a softie. ”

AudioFile magazine thinks so, too:

“Narrator R. Scott Adams’s rapid-fire delivery mirrors the speech of fast-talking old-style newshound Jock Stewart. Listeners need all their skills of concentration, or they’ll miss the story’s wit and even the occasional clue. Sea of Fire is a missing racehorse, but the mystery of his whereabouts sometimes seems merely incidental. The story is high on humor but light on plot–a vehicle for sex, cigarettes, steak, and zinfandel. Stewart, a print journalist, is a likable dinosaur in a changing world. Adams’s timing is perfect, but a second listen is recommended to catch what is missed first time around.”

audiofile

–Malcolm

 

Holiday Sale: ‘Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire’

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“Jock’s dear old daddy always said, ‘Jock, take my word for it. Sloppy people are all going to hell.’ He also said, ‘If a man smells like a whore house, he’s going to hell.’ Smith had two strikes against him today and it wasn’t even noon yet.” – from the novel

SOFcover2014I’m happy to announce that the e-book edition of my dark comedy/satire Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire has been reduced to 99 cents for the holidays.

This novel about an investigative reporter named Jock Stewart who’s on the trail of a missing racehorse named Sea of Fire can be found on Amazon, Smashwords, Barnes & Noble (Nook) and OmniLit.

You can read preview chapters in multiple formats in the book’s Smashwords listing.

“County Road 3724 closely followed the lay of the land like the arm of a lover or a python crushing its next meal.”

The paperback edition on Amazon has been reduced to $8.95. I expect my publisher will continue the sale through the first of the year.

“But sometimes a girl gets her heart broken. Sure, she may have played the field for more years than was right as rain, but there comes a time—assuming some murderous wretch hasn’t mistaken her for a two-dollar hooker and cut her throat behind the hardware store—when she wants a loving husband and a warm home and kids on the way.”

You can get a little bit of the Jock Stewart flavor by reading “his” occasional news story style posts on my Calamities of the Heart blog:

The “fake news story” posts are all set in Jock’s fictional town of Junction City, Texas and occasionally include some of the crazy and/or inept characters from the novel. If you haven’t met my lovable old curmudgeon with a heart of gold (heh heh), this is a good time to take the plunge.

Malcolm

 

 

 

Audio edition of ‘Jock Stewart Strikes Back’ released

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Jock Stewart Strikes Back by Malcolm R. Campbell –Now Available Audio, Print and All Ebook Editions!

JSSB Audiographic

Jock Stewart Strikes Back

by Malcolm E. Campbell

Since modern-day journalism is going to hell in a hand basket and/or nowhere fast, Jock Stewart strikes back by categorizing news events as satirical, outlandish, strange or political. Nonetheless, according to informed sources, the use of this volume as a journalism textbook has not been authorized anywhere the world is right as rain.

The fictional news stories and “Night Beat” editorial columns in this collection began as posts on the “Morning Satirical News” weblog and subsequently appeared in the Worst of Jock Stewart and/or the “Jock Talks” series of e-books. Jock Talks…Politics was a 2013 Pushcart Prize nominee.

Stewart, who served diligently as the protagonist in Jock Stewart and the Missing Sea of Fire, refutes charges that he was raised by alligators or hyenas. When he was a young boy, his dear old daddy said, “Jock, everyone but you and me is scum and I’m not sure about you.”

That proverb opened Jock’s eyes to the realities of the world, primarily that everything is worse than it seems: the small-town newspaper, the Star-Gazer, is allegedly run by fools and buffoons; the Junction City, Texas, government is allegedly corrupt and inept.

Production Notes

Jock Stewart Strikes Back is narrated and produced by Barry Newman, Florida. Barry’s career in media and journalism, including voice work in radio and TV commercials, lends a unique ‘Jock-ness’ to the production, and we look forward to working with him again in the future.

Where You Can Find It

AUDIOBOOK: http://www.amazon.com/Jock-Stewart-Strikes-Back/dp/B00K34NFPA

PRINT: http://www.amazon.com/Jock-Stewart-Strikes-Malcolm-Campbell/dp/0615989225

KINDLE: http://www.amazon.com/Jock-Stewart-Strikes-Malcolm-Campbell-ebook/dp/B00IUA1S76

ALLROMANCE/OMNILIT: https://www.omnilit.com/product-jockstewartstrikesback-1465654-242.html

APPLE: https://itunes.apple.com/us/book/jock-stewart-strikes-back/id839659754

NOOK: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/jock-stewart-strikes-back-malcolm-r-campbell/1118909075

SMASHWORDS ALL EBOOK FORMATS: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/417765

Jock Stewart Strikes Back Sneak Peek Video

Jock Stewart’s Holiday Book Buying Guide

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Jock Stewart’s Holiday Book Buying Guide

from Morning Satirical News

booksSince many of them (the authors) have bailed me out of jail for various misunderstandings with the local police force, I’m writing this column about local authors’ books that are gathering dust at the Main Street Book Emporium. These are books by people you’ve never heard of, but they’ve put their hearts and souls into these volumes and, what the hell, they (the books) are cheaper than a Happy Meal and make more nutritious stocking stuffers on Christmas Day.

  1. Lust Behind a Motel 6 Billboard on Route 2, by Cane Molasses – a cautionary tale about a young man who lived behind a faded billboard on the road to Prairie View. When it rained, Zeke got wet. When the sun came out, Zeke got warm. When a bus of wayward cheerleaders broke down, Zeek got lucky until he had to start running from the linemen of the county.
  2. Rats in the Birdbath, by T.Z. – Local rapper T.Z. turns his talents for profanity to fiction in this gritty story about a man who discovered that the rats in the birdbath tasted better than the sparrows. This is a dark urban fantasy that should be read primarily by people who believe the end of the world came and went already and that nobody noticed.
  3. My Dustbunnies Don’t Eat Your Carrots, by Sally Hyde – A young man, who thoughtlessly ran out on his upscale family, is accused of murdering his mother-in-law because she purportedly made fun of the dust bunnies in his apartment. Hyde, who claims in the introduction that she was the mother-in-law who was murdered, says it took her years of communicating with wackos with Oui-Ja boards to get the truth into print.
  4. Coffee Tables Without Books, by Lucille Smith-Whitson – A specialist in old furniture shows discouraging evidence that most coffee tables collapse sooner or later under the weight of expensive “coffee table books” that people never read. “People put books like ‘Bombay Harlots’ and ‘The Glaciers of Saudi Arabia’ on their coffee tables to impress their friends. Yet, the dust on those books tips off visitors to the fact the host never cracked the cover,” writes Smith-Whitson. The result: the books pile up even after the cows come home and crack the table tops.
  5. Write this Damn Book Yourself, by Clark Trail – Trail, who believes too many wackos are writing books these days and uploading them to Kindle and CreateSpace, has published a book with multiple cover-art inserts for desperate people who just can’t seem to get published in spite of the fact their writing looks like a theme out of a remedial English class. The secret: blank pages. Clark suggests non-writers pick the most exciting cover art, fill in the blank pages, and display the books on their coffee tables.
  6. The Shooting of Dan McGrew’s Brother, by Joe Smith – At a press conference Smith claimed that even though this book appears to be a ripoff of the famous poem by Robert Service, he (Smith) thought the whole thing up last year when he and a bunch of the boys were whooping it up in the Malamute saloon.
  7. 51 Shades of Purple, by Bambi Hill – This tell-little book by a young woman who claims to have slept with many of the world’s still-living monarchs, shows that most of the kings were drunk or bored when the one-night-lie-downs occurred at a Motel 6 on Route 2. “Kings are not as powerful as you think,” Hill gushes in the introduction.
  8. How to Repair Your Betamax, by Clyde Clinton – After discovering most Radio Shacks and other geeky stores no longer have Betamax repairmen, Clinton uses his own collection of vintage units do demonstrate everything that can possibly go wrong with them. He says that while he has sold only one copy to a Betamax museum, he hopes the thing will one day “go viral.”
  9. Emily Dickinson: The Biker Babe Years, by Norma “Harley Girl” Johnson – Johnson re-imagines the life of the famous poet as a “hot momma taking names and kicking asses vixen who rides with a group of hell raisers called The Cardboard Monkeys.” Johnson pushes the envelope in this novel, especially in the chapter called “Going Down On the Road.”
  10. The Homogenization of the American Family, by Robert Elderberry and James S. Mason – According to Elderberry and Mason, new research charting the DNA of 99% of America’s families, shows that “more children that previously known” were fathered by milkmen who were supposed to be delivering milk rather than babies.” Elderberry told reporters at a Main Street Book Emporium launch party that he got most of the data by hacking into the NSA’s secret database of real and imagined ancestors.

Give the gift of books. Your friends will never forget you for filling up the blank space on their coffee tables because who the hell drinks coffee in the living room these days?

Jock Stewart